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When Sex Toy Reviewers Have Sex With Each Other

Aerie & Piph pins

The Flirting

We flirt with each other via Snapchat because we’re sophisticated adults. She snaps me a photo of handwriting on paper: “Aerie, would you like to make out with me?” and adds little Yes, No, and Maybe checkboxes that I can’t actually check because it only lasts for 8 seconds and IT IS A PHOTO. But 8 seconds is enough to permanently plaster my face into a giant stupid smile and set my heart racing. So of course I write my own checkbox reply and snap it back.

And what sex toy blogger can resist an instant messenger pickup line like this?

Epiphora: I was looking at your wish list and I was like “I… have… all of these

The Prep

Unlike in the movies where people passionately rip off their clothing and fling themselves at each other, we engage in elaborate preparation.

Step 1: Clean ALL the things!

Step 2: “QUICK! Pick what you want to try out of my 40,000 options!”

Her drawers of toys are endless, and as I dig into each one we build up a small mountain of Things For Aerie To Try.

“And this is where I keep my favorites,” she says while opening up a super secret drawer of her most treasured possessions.

Step 3: Better grab the Pure Wand too.

You know, just in case.

Step 4: Transport our selection to the bedroom.

The armfuls of toys take more than one trip to haul into her bedroom, and we stack them up on the nightstand like Jenga bricks because there is simply not enough space for everything.

Step 5: Cue the soundtrack.

Despite claiming that she’s not very romantic, she makes the most epic 50-song make-out playlist, after getting me to admit my fondness for 90s Alternative and undying love for Third Eye Blind.

The Sex

Once the toys are staged, twinkle lights on, music playing, and cats moved out of the way, we finally fall into each other’s arms. As she leans in to kiss me, our glasses crash together. I take mine off and she promptly compliments me on having a face that doesn’t look weird without glasses.

She presses her soft lips into mine. I can reach my arms all the way around her and pull her close, and she is absolutely gorgeous. We roll around on the bed, until out of the corner of my eye I suddenly notice a tiny stack of pancakes, and I have to stop mid-kiss and pause everything because her pillow has breakfast on it. I know I am definitely in the right bed after seeing that she sleeps every night with her head upon pictures of mini fried eggs and floating cups of coffee.

We massage each other’s chests with the glorious scent of bourbon. Once we’re oiled up like we’re about to pursue a monkey in an air vent, we decide to try massaging our boobs together, but discover that boobs are not particularly efficient massaging tools.

Despite trying to research cunnilingus tips ahead of time from my library of sex books, once her beautiful vulva is front of my face, I really have no idea what I’m doing. I just try to move my tongue in ways I imagine would feel good on my own clitoris. She warns me that she’s also new to this, asks me to forgive her if she’s not very good, and then eats me out like a goddamn pro.

We prop up on a Liberator Wedge, and I show her how to find my G-spot with her fingers. We brainstorm better ways for sex educators to give advice on finding someone else’s G-spot, and how to reduce the unnecessary mystery that surrounds this glorious erogenous zone.

And of course, we play with toys. I get to experience glass, wood, and aluminum toys for the first time, try out the Eroscillator, and she gives me a clit blowjob with Mr. Man. One by one, she grabs toys from our Jenga pile to use on me, and I can’t help but verbally review the toys as we go.

Her sexy talk is top-notch.

“What color Mona 2 do you want to use?”

“I kind of have a thing for labia, and yours are really nice.”

“Wait a second, I have to screw this one in.”

And when I say to her, “You’ve been using all these toys on me! I think it’s your turn now…” she misses the point entirely and replies, “Oh, I’ve already tried all of these.”

Around her, I feel genuinely comfortable, even in a room full of people like the first time. As sex bloggers, we find it easy to openly communicate our needs to each other. I know she isn’t going to judge me for what I like or don’t like, or for how long it might take me to reach orgasm, or for my skill level in anything. I feel like I can just be myself, stop worrying, and have fun, and there’s really nothing better than that.

In the end, although we both own more sex toys than anyone really ever needs, fingers actually win out for both of us. Even after making my way through a pile of world-class dildos, all I really want is to come with a good vibe on my clit and her fingers inside me.

And there is nothing more sexy than thrusting my fingers against her G-spot, listening to her moan, and watching her as she trembles in orgasm right in front of me. 

The After

Kissing is both difficult and wonderful when you can’t stop smiling and giggling from hours of amazing sex. We crawl out of bed in search of pajamas, shoving all the used toys onto the floor. Then, before drifting off to sleep, we snuggle with cats and watch a documentary on Buck Angel. And later, of course, we post vague tweets alluding to the night we spent with Joque and Mustang, and our friends give us verbal high-fives.

Note: The narrative for this post is a bit mixed and taken from more than one experience.
Written and published with Epiphora’s consent ♥

Tantus Slow Drive

Tantus Slow Drive

Tantus Slow Drive

The Tantus Slow Drive comes in lime green. Glorious, slightly shimmery, candy-bright lime green. I get eye-orgasms gazing at these new and brilliant limited edition colors, which also include pearly teal and silvery slate. I want to eat this delicious-looking masterpiece of a dildo.1

Skinny and simple, the Slow Drive features a dramatic curve at the tip, with an insertable length of 5″ (also available in a Long version, at 7.25″ insertable). Slow Drive’s smooth, glossy silicone surface has a little bit of squish, and while sturdy and firm in density, its modest 1.25″ diameter makes the dildo moderately bendable.

The shiny silicone of the Slow Drive is just soft enough to warm myself up to G-spot play. After I’ve had enough slow stroking, I can angle the curved tip more directly into my G-spot and start thrusting away for more intense stimulation. As the diameter barely changes throughout the length of this dildo, Slow Drive feels incredibly smooth gliding in and out.

Slow Drive possesses magical G-spot powers: what this toy may not have in size and girth is made up for with a magnificent curve. The rounded shape of the tip and the firmness of the silicone results in a combination that feels like a large, gently curved finger; the feeling is not too intense, but prominent enough to firmly categorize this dildo as a wonderful G-spot toy.

My only criticism is that the small and rather thin base is somewhat difficult to grasp when thrusting. The base is a unique triangular shape, perhaps for ease of use in a harness, but isn’t much to hold on to during solo use.

With an exception of the small and difficult-to-hold base, I love everything about the majestic Tantus Slow Drive and all its shimmery lime green glory. Perfect for warm-up, harnesses, anal and prostate play, or just good old fashioned G-spotting, Slow Drive is a great addition to any dildo collection.

Make sure to get yourself one of these new, limited edition Tantus releases in lime, silver, or teal (get 20% off with code LIMITEDEX, and hurry while they last)! Let’s all show Tantus that we demand more wonderful unique colors like these.

This toy was sent to me courtesy of Tantus in exchange for an honest and thoughtful review.

  1. Which makes me think of a genius product idea: mini Tantus-toy-shaped hard candies. Dear Tantus: I’ll be waiting for your call when you’re ready to hire me as a full-time Dildo Wizard. []
Toyfriend Seti

Toyfriend Seti

Toyfriend Seti

The Toyfriend Seti is a weird shape, and I was intrigued the moment I laid eyes upon its grand satellite dish design and cheerful blue hue.

The possibilities consumed me. Would NASA collect data on my orgasmic contractions? Could I broadcast NPR radio straight to my vagina? Was it time I tried some space explorer roleplay? Beam me up, Scotty.

Initially, I thought this was an insertable toy for focused G-spot stimulation, but Seti turned out to be much larger than I envisioned. Despite my doubts, I tried shoving Seti up my vagina anyway – in the name of sex toy reviewing – but my steamy fantasies of Soviet Union astronomers from the 1960s were disrupted with misery, pain, and frustration. I had to awkwardly battle my vulva to just get the satellite dish inside my body, and every moment of the ordeal was tormenting and unpleasant. The shape of Seti ensures that this is definitely not an internal toy.

What Seti is made for is pinpoint clitoral stimulation. I must admit I didn’t like this vibe the first time I used it, as in general I much prefer a broader surface area on my clit. I have to be in the right mood to find pinpoint vibration pleasureable – this is a personal preference, as my clit is very sensitive. Also, I almost always have to pair it with a good insertable toy.

So I put on some hot outer space porn, grabbed a Tantus O2 dildo, and indulged myself further in pleasurable pseudoscience. Seti features two power settings and three pulse modes. Although the highest power setting is not incredibly strong, it is plenty enough for my body when it comes to pinpoint stimulation.

Using this toy is like an exercise in restraint: As I become more aroused, I naturally want to grind the toy harder on my clit. This, however, knocks the vibe out of place, until the entire satellite dish is snuggling up against my vulva, resulting in very little feeling of vibration. It’s a challenge to hold back from grinding into the toy, which depending on my mood can be either enjoyable or annoying.

Aerie: I feel like I need to make a terrible joke about vaginas being all mysterious like Area 51 but it does not want to happen in my brain
Aerie: this post
Aerie: this post will ruin me
Amy: hahahahaa
Amy: Requires a tinfoil hat to find

Seti’s power is concentrated right through the spike of the satellite dish. The toy can be rotated so the edges or back of the dish caress the clitoris, but the vibration is very noticeably less powerful in these areas. Basically, you want to just boop the spike directly on your clit. Toyfriend could have designed Seti without the dish for the same functionality, but personally I think the cosmic theme is unique and cute. Plus, I like hoping it will help bring a certain sexy time-traveling spaceman to my door someday.

The Toyfriend Seti is a well priced silicone vibe for pinpoint clitoral stimulation, but not versatile at all for other uses. Although I do like this toy, my enjoyment of Seti is very dependent on my mood, and I don’t foresee reaching for this one often. I highly recommend knowing for sure that you really like pinpoint vibrations before you buy.

This toy was sent to me courtesy of Burlesque Toy Shop in exchange for an honest and thoughtful review. Unfortunately, Burlesque has since gone out of business, so I have updated the links in this post for my favorite online sex toy retailer SheVibe instead.

gender-no

This Week in Sex: Wieners w/Cheese

for the non binary folk, by tonytoggles on DeviantArt

I thought I’d try a new kind of blog post, because I keep coming across things that are awesome and noteworthy and definitely deserve more attention than a fleeting blip of a mention in the vast, endless Twitterverse. So here’s my take on the latest news and a roundup of stuff on the internet that I believe is worth a look.

News From My Room

In case you missed it, I’m hosting my very first giveaway! One lucky winner will receive two months of Level 2 CrashPadSeries.com Membership for free. Giveaway ends on February 24.

Never miss another post on my blog! You can now subscribe to my blog via email, or subscribe to my Feedburner (for you nerds with RSS readers).

Also, my Facebook page has been resurrected from the dead, so if FB is your social network of choice, you can keep updated from there.

Upcoming reviews include Fun Factory’s Stronic Drei, as well as the Toyfriend Seti which was generously sent to me by the fantastical Burlesque Toy Shop.

News From The Blogosphere

Queeraschino Cherry has posted the mother of all Mona 2 reviews. Remove your hat(s), grab your anal beads rosary, bow down to her sex toy shrine, and prepare to laugh your ass off.

ArchVixen posted a comparative review of the Pack ‘n Play 1 and 2 by Tantus, and has helped me come to the conclusion that I would like to have both of those in my pants. You know, double-dick style. (Do they make harnesses for that?)

Sex-ational wants to hear from you if you’d like to actively participate in creating a sex-positive, education focused co-op adult industry magazine. Send them an email if you’d like to become involved, to help grow this idea and build it from the ground up.

News From The Interwebs

Facebook just added 50+ gender options, for those who are trans, genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, agender, or just want to identify themselves as something beyond “male” or “female”. Awesome? Yes.

Finally, a worthy Buzzfeed quiz that can REALLY help answer the question, “How Gay Are You?” Believe me, this one is actually worth your time. Plus you get to pick a Beyoncé.

RedEye Chicago’s  collection of anonymous sex toy reviews for Valentine’s Day. Yeah, yeah, I know, pretty boring. Just bear with me and keep scrolling. Keeeeep scrollinggggg……. GLAZED DOUGHNUT 0/10 STARS WOULD NOT USE AGAIN.

This week, Tantus is having a serious Grab Bag Sale – 25% off all of them, with code SURPRISEME at checkout! Grab Bag toys are already crazypants cheap, and you get an exciting mystery color. That’s $17.25 for Vamp and $13.50 for Ryder, people. Sale ends on February 21.

One-day flash sale! Today is CrashPadSeries.com director Shine Louise Houston’s birthday. Celebrate the Keymaster’s special day with 18% off any level of membership, using code 4D3 at checkout. Sale lasts today only: February 18!

CatalystCon East is less than a month away! I’m all prepared with my new Moo Cards. You can now view the whole schedule online, and if you haven’t registered yet, you’ve got until next Wednesday before the ticket price shoots up again. So get on that and meet me there!

Bawdy Storytelling is celebrating their 7-Year Anniversary in San Francisco with two epic shows next week. I’ve got VIP tickets to Wednesday’s “Lucky!” show and I’m taking a pretty lady with me.

And From Elsewhere

Stuff not necessarily related to sex, but still excellent:

My good friend Amy of SlothNails has posted this sparkling glitter explosion of a nail polish review. I’ve since become obsessed with “Hello, Sweetie” and I want it on my fingers now.

While wandering Etsy very late at night, I fell into this fantastical Etsy shop and then proceeded to purchase 80 stickers that just say “clitoris”. I am also eagerly awaiting obscene amounts of stickers that say “Wieners w/Cheese”, “For Vaginal Use Only”, and “Corn”, because I need them. For things.

Meanwhile, on the internet: Typical Richard Nixon shenanigans.

crashpadgiveaway

CrashPadSeries Membership Giveaway

CrashPadSeries.com Giveaway

Marking one whole year of sex toy blogging at Aerie’s Room, and in the name of watching beautiful bodies tremble in pure orgasmic bliss, I am so excited to host my very first giveaway!

The amazing queer porn site CrashPadSeries is generously providing the winner of this giveaway with two months of CrashPadSeries.com membership. This membership will be at the “Level 2” tier of subscription, which includes access to over 160 streaming episodes, thousands of photos, as well as streaming Behind The Scenes interviews with the stars.

Based on the Award-Winning feminist queer porn The Crash Pad, Queer Filmmaker Shine Louise Houston brings to the web authentic female and queer sexuality. Here you’ll find real dyke porn, lesbians, femme on femme, boi, stud, genderqueer and trans-masculine performers, transwomen, transmen, queer men and women engaging in authentic queer sexuality, whether it is with safer sex, strap-on sex, cocksucking, kink and bdsm, gender play and fluidity, and always authentic orgasms.

Much thanks to CrashPadSeries for providing this amazing grand prize! Entering the giveaway is easy – just use the Rafflecopter widget below.

This giveaway ends on Monday, February 24th at 11:59 P.M. PST.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Terms & Conditions:

  • Open to entrants 18+ years old only.
  • Open to entrants worldwide where not prohibited by law.
  • Ends February 24, 2014 at 11:59 P.M. PST.
  • Winner will be determined at random, and notified by email.
  • Full terms & conditions can be viewed via the Rafflecopter widget above.

 

2/25 Update:

The winner of the giveaway is Apricot Creams! Congrats!

Thank you to everyone who supported me, my blog, and CrashPadSeries by tweeting and commenting!

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