OkStupid #3: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse

Oh Man Oh Man

OkCupid has brought a good number of kickass people into my life, despite the overwhelming percentage of horrible messages that come my way. Online dating can be very frustrating, and I know that writing a great first message is not easy – I’ve sent quite a few of my own, which haven’t always been answered.

Even though no one likes to be ignored or rejected, it’s still important to understand that we’re all complex human beings with actual emotions, personal preferences, and different lives. It’s still important to continue to treat others with kindness and thoughtfulness, rather than with contempt and a sense of entitlement.

I have this blog to share my misery of bad and creepy messages with you, but that doesn’t make constantly receiving these kinds of things any less upsetting.

Well, okay – maybe a teeny, tiny bit less upsetting…

Let’s start with these creepy-ass motherfuckers

Hello, how are you? I think it’s really cool that you are a female between 26 and 35 years old who is under 5’6″ and within 25 miles of me. It’s also really awesome that you happen to be online now! No I’m not the copy paste king, I wrote a program. Don’t hate on me haha. But seriously, write me back if you want to chat mkay?

How lazy are you that you can’t be bothered to even look at actual people’s profiles, and instead code a bot to auto-message any “female” who breathes within 25 miles? Did you really think that would work out well for you?

Good morning flower, what is your name?

It is not cute or sweet or gentlemanly to start out calling someone a weird pet name.

Not sure if it was you I saw downtown today but if it was you really know how to sport black nyloyns

Just…. no. No.

 I have pervy question: Do you have a preference in dildos? like big or small. metal or latex1 . battery or no battery. 🙂

If you have a pervy question, DON’T ASK IT. Mentioning in my profile that I have a job/hobby related to sex doesn’t mean I exist to sexually entertain and titillate you. This is a dating website I’m on to actually meet romantic partners, not my cam room.

Hello there. Where were ya? I was just in your neck of the woods. We could have had tea.

You have never messaged be before and I have no idea who you are? Don’t shame me for not hanging with you, especially when you were never a part of my life to begin with.

Would you consider cuckolding in a relationship?

Yes, except I just can’t see how this is appropriate as a one-liner first-time message, so… no.

 maybe you’d like your body adorned with some complementary sharpie tattoos this evening.

For the record, this person’s username contained the phrase “sharpiesonskin”.

Hey would you mind if i asked you a question for dating purposes?
I would especially love your opinion on the matter being a little on the short side…..

I’m 99.999% sure that your question has to do with the size of your dick. So yes in fact I would mind and please go away.

Violet wands are pretty interesting sex toys!

Cool story bruh

I am not in an open relationship. I want to be but I don’t know how to change it. I currently have a fiance and frequently spend time with my ex. I am looking for a woman that can be in an open relationship with me.

Sooo basically you’re cheating on your fiancé? I do ethical non-monogamy, not cheating on my partners – this is not Ashley Madison. Also if you looked at my selected gender or read just one sentence into my profile, it’s clear that I’m not a woman.

I heart that you’re one of the rare ones who isn’t into beards. Instant turn on! Instant deviant thoughts! I’d be prepared to hear all about anal toys when talking to me. Greatest thing for guys!

Stop

Would totally go down if you had a bush loljs

STOP

ever fantasize about incest or gangbangs?

COULD YOU FUCKING NOT

I find you ravishing and my eyes dilate, nostrils flair, and I have a weird taste of lust in my mouth when I stare at your pictures.

NO


Men unable to handle being told I find their beards undesirable

After so many messages from guys with gigantic lumbersexual Portland-hipster beards, of which I have absolutely no attraction to, I put a one-liner asking please no facial hair in my profile’s “you should message me if” section – the section many people skip to when checking out other people’s profiles.

Of course, this only invited bearded men to continue messaging me, while adding a disclaimer of “I have a beard hope that’s OK”.

Adding more to my “no beards” sentence only welcomed even more bearded men to message me, whining about how they liked my profile, but got to the part about no beards and WHAMMO!2 – however they still wanted to message me anyway just in case. So now I have the most out-of-control paragraph imploring people with facial hair to please, for the love of god and all that is holy, please just DO NOT message me lest they waste both their time as well as mine.

How naive of me to think that this could possibly stop these men. Nope! I continue to get messages from bearded guys, but now they say “since my beard rules out a relationship, can we be platonic friends?”

Or things like this:

like… no bearded friends? You will not associate with anyone who has facial hair? That seems like a mighty odd stand to take.

When I responded about how my stated preferences were clearly about people I wanted to date – because, you know, OkCupid is a DATING WEBSITE3 – he told me I was “going a little psycho on a nice guy just asking an innocent question” and that I was “definitely pretty uptight” and to enjoy my “shallow beard free existence” and that he was sorry he “ruined [my] day by being curious.”

For all those nice guys out there who have such great concern and curiosity: I am very much enjoying my beard-free existence.


Men feeling entitled to my attention and incapable of understanding what it means when I don’t respond

What’s your favorite donut?

Five weeks later…

The donut line didn’t work huh?

A man 15 years older than me who lives three hours away (scoring at 28% match, 63% enemy) messaged me something lame that I ignored. Ten days later…

🙂 Wondering if maybe we could stay in touch and be friends. Curious to know more about you, sincerely Kevin

We were never in touch to begin with…?? Then, three days later…

Have a great weekend. 🙂
Wondering if we could keep in contact ?
Maybe establish a friendship and meaningful relationship, if mutually heartfelt?
So, do you have any fun or exciting plans for the weekend ?
Have a nice night….
Sincerely, Kevin. 🙂

Again, Kevin, we have never been “in contact” at any point other than you bombarding my inbox. But since Kevin can’t get a fucking clue, of course four months later he tries again:

HEY there..
How is your week going?
Maybe we could chat sometime?
Kev. 🙂

Next, let’s talk about “awesomestguyever” (yes that is his actual username), who messaged me this glittering monstrosity:

ok, i am not a gal so theres that. not gay not lesbian……….but it does not offend me or gross me out. most gals i have dated in my life are bi, its all good. i don’t care if you have others, i too am not amazing at monogomy. i would love to hang out and just chill. you will have never met a straight guy like me and never will again. i am NOT into classic guy stuff. use to tell my mom if i didn’t like girls and vagina so much i would be a great gay guy. ha. i am not super tall so super short girls are my jam 100%. if we were to hang out, i would probably attract more attention than you. ha ha. i would love to have you over and game it up board or console. i am simple, i come with no drama what so ever. even if it didin’t work out sexually, i would love to have a rad sister at arms to do stuff with on the friend level. hope you don’t blow this message off and it gets to you well. please let me know if you recieve it. cheers

This message has far too many incredible cringey quotable moments so I’ll just pick one and loudly bellow into the abyss I TOO AM NOT AMAZING AT MONOGAMY

Anyway, one week later, after I did not respond:

oh man oh man………still waitin to hear back from you??

And then… one YEAR later:

helllooooooooo???????

Last March, I went on two dates with a guy from OKC, then decided after the second date I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. I let him know my feelings via text message, in an attempt to be clear yet courteous, rather than simply disappearing off the face of the planet. He texted back that he understood completely and thanked me for at least letting him know.

Then, in May, he sent me this text message, referring to the food we ate on the second date:

Remember that calzone?

I ignored it. In July, he sent me this on OKC:

well, I’m back to Okcupid… hope you’re having a good summer!

I ignored it again. In August, he followed up with:

I really really enjoyed our date. I wish we could have gone on another.

And then, in September:

I’m actually back in town … Perhaps you’d be up to get together sometime ?

So basically I still lose even when I try to clearly explain to a dude that I’m not interested.

And finally… what the actual hell?

You look good! Are you circumcised?


  1. For the sake of your body’s health, please do not buy latex sex toys. []
  2. Literally what one person put in their message []
  3. How dare women and non-binary people voice their preference when it comes to such things for a potential partner []
  • C. Poly

    “AwesomestGuyEver” sounds… no. He sounds very no. My favorite part is ” if we were to hang out, i would probably attract more attention than you.” Like, conceited much? EW!