OkStupid #2: More shit from OkCupid, because there will always be more shit from OkCupid

not-even-sure-what-it-means

It’s been over a year since I first published a collection of awful OkCupid messages! How have things progressed since then? Well… my inbox is constantly at max capacity with 97% awful messages despite my periodic message deletion sprees. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Also, the messages have gotten a lot worse since then.

Way worse.


First of all, could you fucking NOT

I dont usually say this but you would make a perfect girlfriend for me

Cool story: this guy was a 0% match and 95% enemy.

I am pleased by your polyamory, your fondness for equality and justice, your blue hair, your gaming…

My ongoing fight for equality, justice, and civil rights is definitely something I do solely to please fedora-clad men1 rather than because of my own personal lifelong marginalization as a racial/gender/everythingelse minority in this country.

You forgot settlers of catan on your list of great games.

The list on my profile is not a general list of “great games”, it is a list of my favorite board games. Do not mansplain to me that you know better about what my favorite games are (or what you think they should be). Also, there’s a really good reason why Settlers is not on my list: I DO NOT LIKE THAT GAME AT ALL.

So we seem to have some things in common, and then again there are definitely some differences between us

Such insight!

Any open smuggling slots?

This one sends me into giggling fits because he probably meant “snuggling” (yep, creepy) but all I want to do is tell him my ship made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.

just one word WOWWWWW.

If your message sounds like an annoying grey user2 from my cam room, I will nope the fuck right out of that convo.

Did you know that the 1st geocache ever was placed just south of Portland on the 2nd of may 2000? I was teaching a GPS class at a college in Germany when they switched the selective availability of just the day before that.

Yes. I know that very well. I have been to the Original Stash Tribute Plaque (in fact, I have logged the entire GeoTriad). I have a collectible trackable Geocoin that commemorates the date Selective Availability was finally nixed. Thanks for mansplaining some well-known geocaching facts (FYI the first cache was actually placed on May 3rd, not 2nd).

i have stable job and single with no drama… i expect the same from you

Shoo.

What if there was a boardgames about geocaching for sex toys?

Please stop.


Why are you messaging me when you live really fucking far away

I live in Portland, Oregon. I want to date people who live in my own city. Is that so much to ask?

I’ve gotten messages from: Seattle & surrounding areas, Los Angeles, Idaho, Arizona, Minnesota, Massachusetts, Indiana, North Carolina, Kentucky, New York, Pennsylvania, British Columbia, Quebec, AUSTRIA, and AUSTRALIA.

Are these people looking for some kind of online pen-pal? I don’t understand their motive in messaging me? None of them ever mentioned in their message that they’re a billion miles away. Well, except for this guy, who lives a seven-hour drive from me in a different state:

How local would you say someone has to be to meet the near me thing?

And also this guy:

We live a little far from each other – hope you don’t mind.

He lives in Brooklyn.


Apparently my profile reads like a personal board game recommendation service

What board games would you recommend for someone who likes them doesn’t really play them very much?

We do a weekly game night with some friends. We’ve been having trouble finding decent games that allow a good number of players (6-8). Would you have any suggestions?

I’m always wanting to play Catan again, and most recently played Space Truckers3 which was fun though a little too random, I know my ideal board game is out there. Possibly you’re the oracle?

Afternoon. What are some good board games for someone who likes catan, dominion, and pen and paper RPGs?

That’s like asking “What are some good video games for someone who likes Zelda, Fallout, and table tennis?”


If you could go ahead and stop doing these things from now on, that’d be great

•  Suggest that our 0% enemy score is a great sign

•  Get overly excited about your 93% match score with me (Bitch I’m a 99% match with BOTH my current partners.)

•  Ask me to be part of your fantasy threesome4

•  Ask me if I want to go to the dump and shoot some rats5

•  Message me again with “bump” so your thread goes back to the top of my inbox (Are you aware that OKC is not a web forum from the 90s…?)

•  Message me for poly relationship advice and/or information

•  Message me for sex advice and/or information

•  Name-drop Scrabble, Risk, or Trivial Pursuit and think I will be impressed

•  Name-drop Settlers of Catan and think I will be impressed

•  Disable your OkCupid account while we’re in the middle of planning a first date, and tell me I’ll need to contact you via League of Legends to continue chatting

•  As much as I adore Oh Joy Sex Toy, could everybody please stop asking me if I’ve heard of Oh Joy Sex Toy? Pretty please?

•  Ask me to help you figure out what “queer” means???????


Part #3 will be coming very soon – featuring horribly creepy messages, as well as men who refuse to accept that no reply means I’m not interested. There was far too much stuff to put in a single post. Clearly, I need to publish these more regularly.


  1. Not joking, he’s literally wearing a fedora in his profile pic []
  2. Freeloading camsite viewer whose username is the color grey, due to having zero money loaded in their account for tipping models []
  3. Did… did you mean Galaxy Trucker? []
  4. Yes, I love group sex and threesomes. Yes, I do ethical non-monogamy. But no, I am not on OkCupid looking to become your HBB []
  5. That question was the entirety of his message. []
  • Polly Vincere

    You see, this almost gets me wanting to be on there again. Almost. It’s knowing I’ll get “So how does this ‘queer’ thing work?” that keeps me away from there. That and the unlimited supply of random threesome requests….

  • Why is everyone so enthused about Settlers of Catan? Is there something I’m missing?

    • Dandemort

      It’s got more complex rules than Sorry! so I guess everyone thinks it makes them look super intelligent?

      Like, there’s nothing wrong with the game but it’s sure as shit not going to be the top of EVERYONE’s list. I think it’s super boring, myself.

    • It’s the Monopoly of hobby board games. Classic, well-known, easy to learn. Often the first game people play before they get into more complex strategy or other modern games (it was my gateway game too). If people have heard of board games beyond Candyland, this is often the one they’ve heard of. It’s the one that helps people realize there’s a whole world of games out there with play that goes beyond drawing a “Lose your next turn” card.

      But it’s just so BORING. Your success relies more on random dice rolling more than it does actual strategy. Interaction with other players is not very interesting. You can’t plan your next turn while others are taking theirs, and you can also lose the whole game on the very first turn if you get poor placement for your initial game board starting areas. It’s not a horrible game, but there’s just so much better out there.

      • It certainly can be all of that but it never appealed to me so I suppose I struggle to see how it could draw others in. I’m with you in finding it boring.

      • YES, THANK YOU. I don’t understand why everyone is so crazy about Settlers!!

  • Dandemort

    I mention I’m into medieval studies on my profiles and on the regular I’ll get people being like “OH! I love the middle ages but I’m sure you’ll critique everything not period-appropriate about my custom made armour!” Sure, guy, come out swinging with the assumption that I give a shit about your armour. Or that apparently I’ll care enough to nitpick.

    Also Batman. People keep asking me creepy questions like if i’ll sleep with them if they SOUND like Batman.

    • Oh my god. WHY BATMAN

      • Dandemort

        ONCE I listed Batman in my interests (along with other fandoms). Apparently this means I have a Batcomplex and want Christian Bale growling in my ear every night. Clearly.

  • Hee! Just glad I didn’t show up anywhere in here…

  • I got a great one on OKC once. He had the fedora and neckbeard, and one of his selling points in his profile was that he plays the accordian. More than half of his photos featured it. And he sent me I think three lengthy messages explaining why I should talk to him, and then when I never responded, said something like “well, I suppose this is goodbye”.

  • Eva

    I got ip banned for warning women about a guy on that sitethat was my lying cheating ex. And then got no explanation and a rude response from the guy that banned me. Lol.

  • oohlookasquirrel

    As a fellow polyamorous lady who mentions both board games and some form of sex-geekery on her profile, I feel like I just peeked into my own inbox. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone. I can generally only stand to keep my account open for a week or two at a time before it becomes overwhelming and I decide that I don’t have the time or energy for OKCupid right now. Repeat again every few months. I fully plan to send your posts on OKCupid to guys who send me these messages in the future.

    • Just mentioning that I’m not a lady (I’m genderqueer) but I’m glad you liked my article! It’s upsetting yet unsurprising to hear that so many other people have the same awful experiences with OkCupid messages from guys as well.

      I did want to say that although I appreciate your comment, I’d be worried that linking these men to my article may result in harassment from them toward me, so please consider that before you do.

      • oohlookasquirrel

        Woops, that’s what happens when people comment without reading enough of the archives! Apologies.

        I wouldn’t copy and paste links into my OKCupid responses without thinking first, but occasionally I meet a person who seems well-intentioned but clueless as to why I might be annoyed by receiving certain messages and is certain that I must be a lone crazy person who is touchy about things no other person in the world is touchy about. I am amassing a collection of posts from people who have similar complaints, mostly to make myself feel better when I’m experiencing a lot of verbal abuse. I know that most of these guys are not going to be persuaded to change their ways by a few blog posts, but it makes me happy to know they are out there and that I would be able to share the link once in awhile.

  • Sarah

    Oh, Christ. The Oh Joy Sex Toy thing. THIS. FOREVER.