When Sex Toy Reviewers Have Sex With Each Other

Aerie & Piph pins

The Flirting

We flirt with each other via Snapchat because we’re sophisticated adults. She snaps me a photo of handwriting on paper: “Aerie, would you like to make out with me?” and adds little Yes, No, and Maybe checkboxes that I can’t actually check because it only lasts for 8 seconds and IT IS A PHOTO. But 8 seconds is enough to permanently plaster my face into a giant stupid smile and set my heart racing. So of course I write my own checkbox reply and snap it back.

And what sex toy blogger can resist an instant messenger pickup line like this?

Epiphora: I was looking at your wish list and I was like “I… have… all of these

The Prep

Unlike in the movies where people passionately rip off their clothing and fling themselves at each other, we engage in elaborate preparation.

Step 1: Clean ALL the things!

Step 2: “QUICK! Pick what you want to try out of my 40,000 options!”

Her drawers of toys are endless, and as I dig into each one we build up a small mountain of Things For Aerie To Try.

“And this is where I keep my favorites,” she says while opening up a super secret drawer of her most treasured possessions.

Step 3: Better grab the Pure Wand too.

You know, just in case.

Step 4: Transport our selection to the bedroom.

The armfuls of toys take more than one trip to haul into her bedroom, and we stack them up on the nightstand like Jenga bricks because there is simply not enough space for everything.

Step 5: Cue the soundtrack.

Despite claiming that she’s not very romantic, she makes the most epic 50-song make-out playlist, after getting me to admit my fondness for 90s Alternative and undying love for Third Eye Blind.

The Sex

Once the toys are staged, twinkle lights on, music playing, and cats moved out of the way, we finally fall into each other’s arms. As she leans in to kiss me, our glasses crash together. I take mine off and she promptly compliments me on having a face that doesn’t look weird without glasses.

She presses her soft lips into mine. I can reach my arms all the way around her and pull her close, and she is absolutely gorgeous. We roll around on the bed, until out of the corner of my eye I suddenly notice a tiny stack of pancakes, and I have to stop mid-kiss and pause everything because her pillow has breakfast on it. I know I am definitely in the right bed after seeing that she sleeps every night with her head upon pictures of mini fried eggs and floating cups of coffee.

We massage each other’s chests with the glorious scent of bourbon. Once we’re oiled up like we’re about to pursue a monkey in an air vent, we decide to try massaging our boobs together, but discover that boobs are not particularly efficient massaging tools.

Despite trying to research cunnilingus tips ahead of time from my library of sex books, once her beautiful vulva is front of my face, I really have no idea what I’m doing. I just try to move my tongue in ways I imagine would feel good on my own clitoris. She warns me that she’s also new to this, asks me to forgive her if she’s not very good, and then eats me out like a goddamn pro.

We prop up on a Liberator Wedge, and I show her how to find my G-spot with her fingers. We brainstorm better ways for sex educators to give advice on finding someone else’s G-spot, and how to reduce the unnecessary mystery that surrounds this glorious erogenous zone.

And of course, we play with toys. I get to experience glass, wood, and aluminum toys for the first time, try out the Eroscillator, and she gives me a clit blowjob with Mr. Man. One by one, she grabs toys from our Jenga pile to use on me, and I can’t help but verbally review the toys as we go.

Her sexy talk is top-notch.

“What color Mona 2 do you want to use?”

“I kind of have a thing for labia, and yours are really nice.”

“Wait a second, I have to screw this one in.”

And when I say to her, “You’ve been using all these toys on me! I think it’s your turn now…” she misses the point entirely and replies, “Oh, I’ve already tried all of these.”

Around her, I feel genuinely comfortable, even in a room full of people like the first time. As sex bloggers, we find it easy to openly communicate our needs to each other. I know she isn’t going to judge me for what I like or don’t like, or for how long it might take me to reach orgasm, or for my skill level in anything. I feel like I can just be myself, stop worrying, and have fun, and there’s really nothing better than that.

In the end, although we both own more sex toys than anyone really ever needs, fingers actually win out for both of us. Even after making my way through a pile of world-class dildos, all I really want is to come with a good vibe on my clit and her fingers inside me.

And there is nothing more sexy than thrusting my fingers against her G-spot, listening to her moan, and watching her as she trembles in orgasm right in front of me. 

The After

Kissing is both difficult and wonderful when you can’t stop smiling and giggling from hours of amazing sex. We crawl out of bed in search of pajamas, shoving all the used toys onto the floor. Then, before drifting off to sleep, we snuggle with cats and watch a documentary on Buck Angel. And later, of course, we post vague tweets alluding to the night we spent with Joque and Mustang, and our friends give us verbal high-fives.

Note: The narrative for this post is a bit mixed and taken from more than one experience.
Written and published with Epiphora’s consent ♥

  • “And when I say to her, “You’ve been using all these toys on me! I think it’s your turn now…” she misses the point entirely and replies, “Oh, I’ve already tried all of these.”” I just startled the cat laughing so loudly at that. This post is perfect and beautiful and FUCKING HILARIOUS in all the right ways. *fistbump*

  • QUITE POSSIBLY THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER READ

    I AM RE-READING IT FOREVER IT IS SO GOOD

    I don’t know how you did it, how you made it so cohesive and adorable, but you did it. Wow. Thank you for making my neuroses sound endearing; that’s a feat right there. You forgot the part where you told me my cunnilingus was good and I said, “you’re just saying that because of the Third Eye Blind.” You’re right… my sexy talk is pretty glorious.

    I’m still in awe that you wanted to make out with me, much less have sex with me. Thank you for massaging me, snuggling me, being patient with me, and helping me properly FINALLY break in my Joque. I will never forget the realization the next day that my pubic mound was sore. I felt like such a fucking boss.

    On a side note, I love how for a second it sounds like I literally have a tiny stack of pancakes on a plate in my bedroom.

    And one last thing: SHOUT OUT TO YOUR HIP BONES FOR BEING THE HOTTEST HIP BONES

  • You guuuys! I couldn’t read this without blushing or getting butterflies.

    heart = melted.

    • fagtastic

      that is how I felt too!!

  • Mad Amrita

    that was so cute and hot and delightfully funny! i loved it!

  • Pantophile Panic

    This was probably the hottest thing I have ever read. Hands down.

  • Super cute! At first I wasn’t sure if it was a fantasy or real. But I caught on.

  • “remember when I ruined heterosexuality for everyone at Catalyst?”

    ONE OF US
    ONE OF US

  • Jillian Boyd

    So much love for this post, I cannot even. That is simultaneously sizzling hot and also incredibly adorable and kind of makes me want to have sex with both of you.

    Says the virtual stranger, who suddenly feels a bit creepy.

  • Fee

    This was cute and adorable and god I’m so jealous because it just sounds like the most perfect sex ever! <3

  • Awwwww, I totally want to read this post every day for a week or two. Excellent writing and beautiful experience, thanks so much for sharing it. 🙂

  • Jane Blow

    Adorable!!!!

  • Bex

    This is the most amazing thing ever, you two are the most adorable ever!

    Also, I’m thinking we need a new erotica anthology “Erotica for Sex Geeks” because it would be full of this and it would make me happy.

  • MissX

    I had to comment because you both just made my day. What a way to start working on Friday! High-five!

  • I. Can’t. Handle. The. Adorable.

  • Artemisia FemmeCock

    AH! I’m so happy this exists!!! Yes, yep, yeah… perfect.

  • “I was looking at your wish list and I was like “I… have… all of these”…Probably the BEST pickup line ever! Aww you guys <3

    • Ha HA! I knew it was the best!!

  • RJ

    At first I thought this was a joke. But I’m hoping it’s not, because you two are adorable. I’ve never ‘shipped’ sex toy reveiwers before but hey, there’s a first time for everything!

    • Not a joke. Nope nope nope.

      • RJ

        Why does that not assure me?

        • Um, I don’t know, but it should. All of this is real.

  • A Person Most Lewd

    While it is true that this is beyond hot and quite adorable, I do fear for the future. If a sex toy reviewer reads this review of a sex toy reviewer by a sex toy reviewer, while she reviews a sex toy, won’t the fabric of time be forever torn?

    • Oh shit, you found a bug in the system.

  • A Person Most Lewd

    Given the overwhelming enthusiasm for the detailed accounts of your non-solo sexcapades versus the rate at which they are published, I assume Epiphora fanfiction sites are now being built?

  • Ellie

    Fantastic. I am sighing with happy mushy feelings wrapped around me like a nice cosy blanket!
    Thanks for sharing, and writing – it is at once hilarious, hot and interesting, in all the best ways! ^_^/

  • Lucy MacLean

    Can I just throw in here how frigging jealous I am of you ladies? Both accounts, absolutely awesome. Thanks for sharing :.)