My feelings are mixed about the Turbo Glider. We eye each other with a narrowed gaze of suspicion. Our Facebook relationship says “it’s complicated”.
To be honest, the Turbo Glider isn’t a terrible vibrator. It is, in ways, a decent one. But I just can’t forgive it for making me believe for YEARS that I didn’t like sex toys.
This was the first vibrator I ever bought, during my first year of college. With my very limited art student budget, I eagerly browsed the Good Vibrations online store. Oh, the choices! Vibrators shaped like rubber duckies! Giant realistic dongs complete with bulging veins! After hours of gleeful shopping and careful comparison, I finally settled on the Turbo Glider. Impatiently, I awaited its arrival.
Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to like my new toy, I hated it with a fiery passion. The lowest setting felt so intense, it made me want to punch someone in the face. “People actually like this?!” I thought to myself. Penetration was also out of the question… as a virgin, the unergonomic stick-straight design and hard plastic material brought only immense pain and frustration, not to mention the unappealing feeling of the shaft’s lumpy bumpies poking out in all the wrong places. After several more increasingly enraging sessions with this thing, I finally gave up and came to the depressing conclusion that sex toys just weren’t for me.
Thankfully, things are much different now that I’ve found sex toys that I do like. My taste in features has broadened, and I can handle a lot stronger vibrations. Still, this vibe remains almost completely unused, buried and ignored in the back of my drawer.
I recommend choosing this vibrator if you:
- Fantasize about having your lady bits assaulted by a jackhammer
- Prefer phalli with hard nubby texture around the shaft
- Desire to be burdened with bitter, spiteful emotions
If you like very powerful surface-level vibrations, this could be the vibe for you. The motor can be seen whirring around in the head, which is kind of neat, and the speed is controlled by a dial on the base. The lowest speed emits a soft hum, while the highest speed sounds like an electric razor. It is completely waterproof and takes two AA batteries. The Easy Glider version of the vibe has a slightly different shape without the little bumps on the shaft.
If I discovered someone brand new to the world of toys reaching for this one, I’d selflessly dive in front of them, arms flailing, mouth howling a passionate “NOOOooooo”, and attempt to wave them towards a reasonably priced silicone vibe. That said, I wouldn’t label this toy as a spawn of Satan that should be avoided at all costs. It’s inexpensive, powerful, durable, and waterproof.
I just hate its stupid little mechanical guts for keeping me away from other toys for so long.