OkStupid #3: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse

Oh Man Oh Man

OkCupid has brought a good number of kickass people into my life, despite the overwhelming percentage of horrible messages that come my way. Online dating can be very frustrating, and I know that writing a great first message is not easy – I’ve sent quite a few of my own, which haven’t always been answered.

Even though no one likes to be ignored or rejected, it’s still important to understand that we’re all complex human beings with actual emotions, personal preferences, and different lives. It’s still important to continue to treat others with kindness and thoughtfulness, rather than with contempt and a sense of entitlement.

I have this blog to share my misery of bad and creepy messages with you, but that doesn’t make constantly receiving these kinds of things any less upsetting.

Well, okay – maybe a teeny, tiny bit less upsetting…

Let’s start with these creepy-ass motherfuckers

Hello, how are you? I think it’s really cool that you are a female between 26 and 35 years old who is under 5’6″ and within 25 miles of me. It’s also really awesome that you happen to be online now! No I’m not the copy paste king, I wrote a program. Don’t hate on me haha. But seriously, write me back if you want to chat mkay?

How lazy are you that you can’t be bothered to even look at actual people’s profiles, and instead code a bot to auto-message any “female” who breathes within 25 miles? Did you really think that would work out well for you?

Good morning flower, what is your name?

It is not cute or sweet or gentlemanly to start out calling someone a weird pet name.

Not sure if it was you I saw downtown today but if it was you really know how to sport black nyloyns

Just…. no. No.

 I have pervy question: Do you have a preference in dildos? like big or small. metal or latex1 . battery or no battery. 🙂

If you have a pervy question, DON’T ASK IT. Mentioning in my profile that I have a job/hobby related to sex doesn’t mean I exist to sexually entertain and titillate you. This is a dating website I’m on to actually meet romantic partners, not my cam room.

Hello there. Where were ya? I was just in your neck of the woods. We could have had tea.

You have never messaged be before and I have no idea who you are? Don’t shame me for not hanging with you, especially when you were never a part of my life to begin with.

Would you consider cuckolding in a relationship?

Yes, except I just can’t see how this is appropriate as a one-liner first-time message, so… no.

 maybe you’d like your body adorned with some complementary sharpie tattoos this evening.

For the record, this person’s username contained the phrase “sharpiesonskin”.

Hey would you mind if i asked you a question for dating purposes?
I would especially love your opinion on the matter being a little on the short side…..

I’m 99.999% sure that your question has to do with the size of your dick. So yes in fact I would mind and please go away.

Violet wands are pretty interesting sex toys!

Cool story bruh

I am not in an open relationship. I want to be but I don’t know how to change it. I currently have a fiance and frequently spend time with my ex. I am looking for a woman that can be in an open relationship with me.

Sooo basically you’re cheating on your fiancé? I do ethical non-monogamy, not cheating on my partners – this is not Ashley Madison. Also if you looked at my selected gender or read just one sentence into my profile, it’s clear that I’m not a woman.

I heart that you’re one of the rare ones who isn’t into beards. Instant turn on! Instant deviant thoughts! I’d be prepared to hear all about anal toys when talking to me. Greatest thing for guys!


Would totally go down if you had a bush loljs


ever fantasize about incest or gangbangs?


I find you ravishing and my eyes dilate, nostrils flair, and I have a weird taste of lust in my mouth when I stare at your pictures.


Men unable to handle being told I find their beards undesirable

After so many messages from guys with gigantic lumbersexual Portland-hipster beards, of which I have absolutely no attraction to, I put a one-liner asking please no facial hair in my profile’s “you should message me if” section – the section many people skip to when checking out other people’s profiles.

Of course, this only invited bearded men to continue messaging me, while adding a disclaimer of “I have a beard hope that’s OK”.

Adding more to my “no beards” sentence only welcomed even more bearded men to message me, whining about how they liked my profile, but got to the part about no beards and WHAMMO!2 – however they still wanted to message me anyway just in case. So now I have the most out-of-control paragraph imploring people with facial hair to please, for the love of god and all that is holy, please just DO NOT message me lest they waste both their time as well as mine.

How naive of me to think that this could possibly stop these men. Nope! I continue to get messages from bearded guys, but now they say “since my beard rules out a relationship, can we be platonic friends?”

Or things like this:

like… no bearded friends? You will not associate with anyone who has facial hair? That seems like a mighty odd stand to take.

When I responded about how my stated preferences were clearly about people I wanted to date – because, you know, OkCupid is a DATING WEBSITE3 – he told me I was “going a little psycho on a nice guy just asking an innocent question” and that I was “definitely pretty uptight” and to enjoy my “shallow beard free existence” and that he was sorry he “ruined [my] day by being curious.”

For all those nice guys out there who have such great concern and curiosity: I am very much enjoying my beard-free existence.

Men feeling entitled to my attention and incapable of understanding what it means when I don’t respond

What’s your favorite donut?

Five weeks later…

The donut line didn’t work huh?

A man 15 years older than me who lives three hours away (scoring at 28% match, 63% enemy) messaged me something lame that I ignored. Ten days later…

🙂 Wondering if maybe we could stay in touch and be friends. Curious to know more about you, sincerely Kevin

We were never in touch to begin with…?? Then, three days later…

Have a great weekend. 🙂
Wondering if we could keep in contact ?
Maybe establish a friendship and meaningful relationship, if mutually heartfelt?
So, do you have any fun or exciting plans for the weekend ?
Have a nice night….
Sincerely, Kevin. 🙂

Again, Kevin, we have never been “in contact” at any point other than you bombarding my inbox. But since Kevin can’t get a fucking clue, of course four months later he tries again:

HEY there..
How is your week going?
Maybe we could chat sometime?
Kev. 🙂

Next, let’s talk about “awesomestguyever” (yes that is his actual username), who messaged me this glittering monstrosity:

ok, i am not a gal so theres that. not gay not lesbian……….but it does not offend me or gross me out. most gals i have dated in my life are bi, its all good. i don’t care if you have others, i too am not amazing at monogomy. i would love to hang out and just chill. you will have never met a straight guy like me and never will again. i am NOT into classic guy stuff. use to tell my mom if i didn’t like girls and vagina so much i would be a great gay guy. ha. i am not super tall so super short girls are my jam 100%. if we were to hang out, i would probably attract more attention than you. ha ha. i would love to have you over and game it up board or console. i am simple, i come with no drama what so ever. even if it didin’t work out sexually, i would love to have a rad sister at arms to do stuff with on the friend level. hope you don’t blow this message off and it gets to you well. please let me know if you recieve it. cheers

This message has far too many incredible cringey quotable moments so I’ll just pick one and loudly bellow into the abyss I TOO AM NOT AMAZING AT MONOGAMY

Anyway, one week later, after I did not respond:

oh man oh man………still waitin to hear back from you??

And then… one YEAR later:


Last March, I went on two dates with a guy from OKC, then decided after the second date I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. I let him know my feelings via text message, in an attempt to be clear yet courteous, rather than simply disappearing off the face of the planet. He texted back that he understood completely and thanked me for at least letting him know.

Then, in May, he sent me this text message, referring to the food we ate on the second date:

Remember that calzone?

I ignored it. In July, he sent me this on OKC:

well, I’m back to Okcupid… hope you’re having a good summer!

I ignored it again. In August, he followed up with:

I really really enjoyed our date. I wish we could have gone on another.

And then, in September:

I’m actually back in town … Perhaps you’d be up to get together sometime ?

So basically I still lose even when I try to clearly explain to a dude that I’m not interested.

And finally… what the actual hell?

You look good! Are you circumcised?

  1. For the sake of your body’s health, please do not buy latex sex toys. []
  2. Literally what one person put in their message []
  3. How dare women and non-binary people voice their preference when it comes to such things for a potential partner []

OkStupid #2: More shit from OkCupid, because there will always be more shit from OkCupid


It’s been over a year since I first published a collection of awful OkCupid messages! How have things progressed since then? Well… my inbox is constantly at max capacity with 97% awful messages despite my periodic message deletion sprees. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Also, the messages have gotten a lot worse since then.

Way worse.

First of all, could you fucking NOT

I dont usually say this but you would make a perfect girlfriend for me

Cool story: this guy was a 0% match and 95% enemy.

I am pleased by your polyamory, your fondness for equality and justice, your blue hair, your gaming…

My ongoing fight for equality, justice, and civil rights is definitely something I do solely to please fedora-clad men1 rather than because of my own personal lifelong marginalization as a racial/gender/everythingelse minority in this country.

You forgot settlers of catan on your list of great games.

The list on my profile is not a general list of “great games”, it is a list of my favorite board games. Do not mansplain to me that you know better about what my favorite games are (or what you think they should be). Also, there’s a really good reason why Settlers is not on my list: I DO NOT LIKE THAT GAME AT ALL.

So we seem to have some things in common, and then again there are definitely some differences between us

Such insight!

Any open smuggling slots?

This one sends me into giggling fits because he probably meant “snuggling” (yep, creepy) but all I want to do is tell him my ship made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.

just one word WOWWWWW.

If your message sounds like an annoying grey user2 from my cam room, I will nope the fuck right out of that convo.

Did you know that the 1st geocache ever was placed just south of Portland on the 2nd of may 2000? I was teaching a GPS class at a college in Germany when they switched the selective availability of just the day before that.

Yes. I know that very well. I have been to the Original Stash Tribute Plaque (in fact, I have logged the entire GeoTriad). I have a collectible trackable Geocoin that commemorates the date Selective Availability was finally nixed. Thanks for mansplaining some well-known geocaching facts (FYI the first cache was actually placed on May 3rd, not 2nd).

i have stable job and single with no drama… i expect the same from you


What if there was a boardgames about geocaching for sex toys?

Please stop.

Why are you messaging me when you live really fucking far away

I live in Portland, Oregon. I want to date people who live in my own city. Is that so much to ask?

I’ve gotten messages from: Seattle & surrounding areas, Los Angeles, Idaho, Arizona, Minnesota, Massachusetts, Indiana, North Carolina, Kentucky, New York, Pennsylvania, British Columbia, Quebec, AUSTRIA, and AUSTRALIA.

Are these people looking for some kind of online pen-pal? I don’t understand their motive in messaging me? None of them ever mentioned in their message that they’re a billion miles away. Well, except for this guy, who lives a seven-hour drive from me in a different state:

How local would you say someone has to be to meet the near me thing?

And also this guy:

We live a little far from each other – hope you don’t mind.

He lives in Brooklyn.

Apparently my profile reads like a personal board game recommendation service

What board games would you recommend for someone who likes them doesn’t really play them very much?

We do a weekly game night with some friends. We’ve been having trouble finding decent games that allow a good number of players (6-8). Would you have any suggestions?

I’m always wanting to play Catan again, and most recently played Space Truckers3 which was fun though a little too random, I know my ideal board game is out there. Possibly you’re the oracle?

Afternoon. What are some good board games for someone who likes catan, dominion, and pen and paper RPGs?

That’s like asking “What are some good video games for someone who likes Zelda, Fallout, and table tennis?”

If you could go ahead and stop doing these things from now on, that’d be great

•  Suggest that our 0% enemy score is a great sign

•  Get overly excited about your 93% match score with me (Bitch I’m a 99% match with BOTH my current partners.)

•  Ask me to be part of your fantasy threesome4

•  Ask me if I want to go to the dump and shoot some rats5

•  Message me again with “bump” so your thread goes back to the top of my inbox (Are you aware that OKC is not a web forum from the 90s…?)

•  Message me for poly relationship advice and/or information

•  Message me for sex advice and/or information

•  Name-drop Scrabble, Risk, or Trivial Pursuit and think I will be impressed

•  Name-drop Settlers of Catan and think I will be impressed

•  Disable your OkCupid account while we’re in the middle of planning a first date, and tell me I’ll need to contact you via League of Legends to continue chatting

•  As much as I adore Oh Joy Sex Toy, could everybody please stop asking me if I’ve heard of Oh Joy Sex Toy? Pretty please?

•  Ask me to help you figure out what “queer” means???????

Part #3 will be coming very soon – featuring horribly creepy messages, as well as men who refuse to accept that no reply means I’m not interested. There was far too much stuff to put in a single post. Clearly, I need to publish these more regularly.

  1. Not joking, he’s literally wearing a fedora in his profile pic []
  2. Freeloading camsite viewer whose username is the color grey, due to having zero money loaded in their account for tipping models []
  3. Did… did you mean Galaxy Trucker? []
  4. Yes, I love group sex and threesomes. Yes, I do ethical non-monogamy. But no, I am not on OkCupid looking to become your HBB []
  5. That question was the entirety of his message. []

Taking the word “foreplay” out of my vocabulary

Aerie's Room: Taking the word "foreplay" out of my vocabulary

“Foreplay” is a term I don’t use anymore. It wasn’t particularly a conscious decision; the word just faded away from my lexicon over time. I became acutely aware of this fact while having conversations with a couple people I’d met on OkCupid, when their use of the word suddenly snagged my attention. To my ears, it sounded glaring and dated, something I didn’t hear much in the sex blogging community.

Our mainstream culture very narrowly defines sex as penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse. The concept of foreplay is rooted in the belief that PIV sex is the be-all and end-all sexual activity: the main event, the primary act, the goal, the finale, the last (and most important) thing that happens when you sleep with someone. Or, as one guy from the cringe-inducing documentary Shy Boys: IRL explains:

“I know what goes on. The penis enters the vagina; thrust, thrust, thrust; question mark, question mark, question mark; profit.”

People use “foreplay” to describe any sexual activity that takes place before “thrust, thrust, thrust”.

When I started having sex with women, I realized the term “foreplay” didn’t relate to my sex life anymore. If there isn’t a penis going into a vagina at some point, then what is and what isn’t foreplay? What is and what isn’t “actual sex”? Oral sex: foreplay or not? Fingering? Mutual masturbation? Lying naked next to each other watching porn while using matching LELO Mona vibes?

Queer sex completely breaks the supposed ‘normal’ progression of sex; it often lasts for hours, an ebb and flow of different kinds of sexual play. Multiple orgasms may be involved, but orgasm is not the ultimate goal, nor does it necessarily indicate the end of sex. There’s no main queer sexual activity equivalent to heterosexual penis-in-vagina sex1, so the idea of foreplay does not apply at all.

Obviously, taking time to turn each other on, tuning into each others’ bodies, and prioritizing your partners’ pleasure is paramount. Arousal and buildup is important, especially as a prelude to penetrative sex. What’s problematic is our language: the word “foreplay” is incredibly heterocentric, lumping together everything that isn’t intercourse as “things you might do before intercourse”.

Broadening the definition of sex is beneficial to everyone. It’s more inclusive for people of different genders and sexual orientations, where sex involving a penis entering an orifice isn’t applicable or desired. For people with different ability levels or bodies, people living with STIs, physical health issues, PTSD or other mental health conditions, or any other situation where PIV sex might not be in the picture.

It is also beneficial to people who do engage in PIV sex (or for whom it is still an option). It’s common knowledge that a large percentage of people can’t reach orgasm through intercourse alone. If somebody can only come while getting fingered with a vibrator on their clit, why should that activity be categorized as foreplay: nothing more than a thing that leads up to the real sex part? Not only is it inaccurate, it severely trivializes anything that isn’t intercourse.

Aerie's Room: Broadening the Definition of Sex is Beneficial to Everyone

I’ve had more than one occasion when I’ve chosen to get naked with a friend, where we established ahead of time that the boundary line was mutual masturbation and sex toys (no oral or PIV). We made out and explored each others’ bodies for hours, we had orgasms, we played with toys. I reject the conclusion that the fact my partner’s penis never entered my vagina means we did not have sex.

Even more significant of an example in my life is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for over a year, but part of our current relationship rules include him and I not having PIV sex, because that’s what works for our polyamorous relationship right now. By our society’s standards, everything we do sexually would be classified as “foreplay”, which is untrue (and frankly, insulting) – anyone who wants to suggest that I’ve never had sex with my boyfriend is out of their mind.

Actively choosing not to have PIV sex does not invalidate all the other fun things he and I do in the bedroom. What counts as sex with my girlfriend absolutely also counts as sex with my boyfriend, regardless of the fact he has a penis and she does not.

Don’t get me wrong; I love penis-in-vagina sex. However, I refuse to perpetuate the idea that it is the #1 main sex act that all other sexual activity merely leads up to – which unfairly places all the importance on the cis male orgasm, as both the primary focus of sex and a signal of its completion. Redefining sex recognizes the sexual pleasure of everyone else, elevates it to the same level, and acknowledges the wide diversity of sexual interaction people can experience with each other.

Eliminating the term “foreplay” allows for the redefinition of what could take place during the beginning, middle, and end of sex. Intercourse doesn’t need to be the sexual finale, nor does it need to take place at all in order for people to have “actual sex”. It’s simply a popular pleasurable activity that falls under the wide spectrum of intimate things you can do with another person.

So let’s take the word “foreplay” out of our collective vocabulary. Let’s pay attention to the language we use and broaden our definition of sex. Let’s appreciate the variety of wonderful ways people enjoy each other’s bodies. It’s beneficial to everyone, no matter what gender or sexual orientation, because it’s another step toward a more inclusive, sex-positive world.

  1. For the love of god, please do not suggest that a strap-on dildo or double-ended toy should be considered the equivalent []

New York Toy Collective Shilo

New York Toy Collective Shilo Dildo

The New York Toy Collective Shilo has become my #1 favorite silicone dildo.

The toy’s bright, beautiful tie-dyed lime and turquoise create the most amazingly delicious dildo color combo I’ve laid eyes on. But besides its handsome good looks, Shilo is the dildo I very frequently reach for when it’s orgasm time.

Why is it so good?

Squishy Excellentness

Shilo is crafted from a very soft, pliable, flexible silicone, with a strong bendable core. The squish level of the silicone paired with toy’s girth gives me the feeling of fullness I love, without being bulky or uncomfortable. Shilo also features a large pronounced head, which is perfectly shaped and sized for massaging my G-spot with every thrust.

I’m personally not a fan of glossy silicone – I find Shilo’s subtle matte texture feels more realistic, creating a pleasurable drag to the surface during use. Because of this subtle texture, I can feel each stroke of the dildo inside of me. With many dildos, my thrusting tends to be shallow, since I often prefer slow grinding motions (especially with girthy toys). When I use Shilo, I’ve found I vary my thrusting motions more. To me, longer strokes with Shilo are immensely pleasurable, in comparison to longer strokes with a good amount of other dildos I’ve used.

The one and only negative I’ve found with Shilo is that this dildo consumes lube at an alarming rate – something I’ve found is common with the similarly realistic-feeling VixSkin silicone as well. So just make sure your lube bottle is at-the-ready.

Bendy Wonderfulness

Shilo is designed as a “Pack and Play” dildo, meaning the bendable core is in part meant for harnessing the dildo and tucking it away in your pants, ready at any moment to whip it out for fucking. As a skinny 5-foot tall person, I wouldn’t be able to pack Shilo unless I wanted a very obviously ENORMOUS bulge in my pants, so I can’t speak much to this function, but others have applauded its Pack and Play abilities.

For me, the strong, bendable wire core allows for in-the-moment customization, to get the perfect angle for whatever you need. Lying down flat and wanting the base to curve toward you for an easy masturbation handle? Yep. Going at it reverse cowgirl on a Liberator Wing, needing a dildo that bends backwards? Check. More comfortable positioning during strap-on play with a partner? Totally!

New York Toy Collective Shilo

Strap-on Fucking Perfection

Shilo is absolutely perfect for strap-on sex. The soft silicone allows for vigorous thrusting without pain or discomfort to my body. Shilo’s large but squishy head bumps up against my cervix without poking or ramming it.

I find that many dildos are too long for my vagina, which both prevents my partner from entering me fully, and can result in the dreaded cervix punching (ouch). So for me, I love this toy’s moderate 6.5″ length, combined with its 1.5″ diameter girth. My petite body size can manage the entirety of Shilo, making strap-on sex far more enjoyable to me.

The bendable core allows the person harnessing Shilo to pose their penis in aesthetically pleasing ways. It also means when the toy pops out – whether from your pants, or an orifice of some sort – it doesn’t launch out like a silicone catapult. (Let’s just say I’ve been accidentally slapped right in the face with a VixSkin Mustang before…)

And It Looks Good, Too

I find Shilo a very useful as a cam performer, since the toy’s bendable core allows me to move the wide base out of the way of the webcam’s lens. This allows me to show all the dildo-in-vulva action to my viewers, without compromising the insertion angle of the dildo. I can also easily ride this dildo in varying positions on cam, while maintaining a good viewing angle, since I can simply bend the toy into a useable angle for insertion.

Shilo’s large head is popular with my cam viewers, as well as the brilliant tie-dye – I’ve heard every possible way to describe the green & blue colors, from alien and smurf to playdoh and Willy Wonka. This toy also comes in a few other bright marbled Lisa Frank hues, as well as 4 pleasing neutral skin tone shades, jet black, and hot pink.

All of these words are my way of telling the world, “Say yes to Shilo!” This dildo is such a staple in my collection that my cam room regulars can call it out by name. What even was masturbation before this toy entered my life? I can barely remember. I am absolutely in love with the New York Toy Collective Shilo.

This toy was sent to me courtesy of SheVibe in exchange for an honest and thoughtful review. Thank you, SheVibe!

Aerie’s Guide to Giving Bad-Ass Blowjobs

Aerie's Guide on How To Give Blowjobs

I hate to sound like a cocky bastard when it comes to my sexual skills, but I must admit I’ve received a staggering wave of compliments on my blowjobs from those who have received one. I’ve observed my partners post-orgasm, staring at me incredulously like I’m some kind of Penis Wizard. I’ve witnessed partners brag to others about how I can suck their dick like nobody’s business. I’ve had partners tell me to my face that I rank supreme in oral sex compared to anyone else they’ve ever been with.

So I have to imagine this means that I must be doing something right.

I wasn’t ready to have penis-in-vagina sex until I was 19 and in college, and so I spent an insane of time during my high school years conducting lots of internet research: how to be the best at kissing, how to give the best blowjob, how to give the best handjob… how to be sexy and sensual and erotic and hot as hell. And I did a lot of research. Because I love pleasuring my partners, watching them writhe and moan in ecstasy… and I wanted to be really good in bed. And honestly, I really do love giving head. After years of practice and experimentation, I have developed my own personal blowjob style.

Am I getting rave reviews because I’m really good at going down, or is it because penises are often fairly easy to please? I’m not really sure, but since more than one person has told me they “had no idea oral sex could feel this good”, I will attempt to divulge all my so-called secrets so that you can try them for yourself.

Because it’s pretty damn satisfying to be informed that you just gave your partner the most amazing blowjob they’ve ever had in their life.


Why are they called “blowjobs” when you don’t actually blow? Perhaps it’s because “suckjobs” sounds pretty terrible. Whatever the reason, use your mouth to suck on your partner’s penis. Avoid intense sucking like you’re trying to get that last drop of Triple Chocolate Malt milkshake out of a straw – instead suck sensually, slowly, and rhythmically, like you’re savoring a round piece of hard candy in your mouth, trying to make it last as long as possible.

Use your tongue

As you begin, tease and arouse your partner by using a flat tongue to lick slowly from the very base of the penis, up the shaft all the way to the tip. Sometimes I’ll also do this mid-blowjob when my jaw is tired and I need a quick break. You can also lick in long strokes anywhere and everywhere along the shaft, whenever you need a break, or if you want to add some variety in sensation.

When your partner’s penis is in your mouth, lick while you suck – move your tongue up and down over the frenulum while you suck on the head of the penis. Use the rhythm of sucking to guide the movements of your lips and tongue over the penis. The majority of the time, keep your tongue flat against the shaft for maximum area of contact, but you can occasionally use a pointed tongue just to tease here and there. From what I’ve found, the longer strokes you can lick, and the more firmly you can press your tongue against the penis, the better.

Also, use your tongue to create suction while licking! To see what I mean: open your mouth, stick your tongue out slightly and make it flat, then place the pad of your thumb in the middle. Curl your tongue a bit around your thumbpad, and attempt create suction against your thumb using only your tongue – can you do it? When your partner’s penis is in your mouth, try this suction technique while using your tongue to stroke the underside of the shaft.

Learning to use your tongue well while you are sucking is probably the #1 most important thing to master to achieve Bad-Ass status and blow your partner’s fucking MIND.

No need to bounce your head up and down the entire time

a.k.a. Tips & Techniques for Lazy People Like Me
a.k.a. So far, my laziness seems to be working out pretty well?

I hate bouncing my head up and down while giving a blowjob. I’m just too lazy for that, plus the head bouncing thing hurts my neck and makes me tired and cranky. Besides, I can’t do my signature sucking and tongue things very well if I’m simply pretending my mouth is a masturbation sleeve – and I’m pretty sure my signature sucking and tongue things are the reason people tend to just lose their minds when I’ve got their dick in my mouth.

For most of the blowjob, I have the head of the penis plus a little more in my mouth, and I only very occasionally slide my lips up over the head. The head of the penis tends to be very sensitive, which can feel overwhelming pretty quick to some people. Instead I focus on using my lips to stroke the area just below the corona, and using my tongue to stroke on and below the frenulum.

I’ll generally do a bit of the headbanging here and there, but most of the time my movements are more subtle. My head nods more than thrusts, and I use my tongue, lips, and hand to stroke the rest of the shaft instead.

Which brings me to…

Use your hand

With your partner’s penis in your mouth, wrap your hand around the rest of the shaft to stroke up and down, from the base of the penis up to where your mouth is. Keep the shaft lubed up so you can stroke freely. You can pump the shaft quickly with your hand if your partner prefers faster movements, to get the faster speed without having to thrust your whole head.

Putting all the above together completes my full blowjob technique: Stroke the shaft with one hand, while rhythmically sucking the head plus a little more with your mouth, and using your flat tongue to glide up and down, over and right below the frenulum in time with the rhythm of your sucking.

If you can multitask all that and want to take it to the next level, try using your other hand as well. Experiment to see what your partner likes; I’ve had some partners who go wild when I gently run my fingers up and down both sides of their scrotum, and I’ve had partners who can’t get enough when I stroke their perineum. Alternatively, try running your free hand along their legs or torso, or if your partner’s penis is long, use both hands on the shaft while you suck!

Whenever your mouth is tired and you need a break, use your hand to stroke the whole shaft while you give your jaw a rest. Use this handjob interlude to ask your partner how they are feeling, talk dirty to them, kiss their stomach and legs, lick around the base of their penis, or just breathe and moan with your lips close to their body. Or just enjoy the moment; don’t feel pressured to be doing something mind-blowing every single second.

Salivate, a lot

This makes for easy gliding. You can use bottled lube if you prefer1 (simple and quick, especially if this trick sounds gross and you would rather not drool everywhere) but I’m a freak and I like to just keep drooling uncontrollably and making a giant mess (use a Liberator Throe if you want to avoid the dreaded wet spot on your sheets). However you do it, keeping things constantly wet makes everything a whole lot easier.

Something sexy to try: Work up a good bit of spit, then slide your partner’s penis out of your mouth, leaving your lips parted and your very wet tongue slightly out. Then pull back slowly, letting a string of saliva drip over their cock for a pretty hot visual.

Don’t worry about making weird slurpy noises

Giving good head is a noisy operation and all the sucking is bound to make loud weird slurp sounds on occasion. It’s natural and nothing to be mortified about, and chances are the slurpy sounds will only turn on your partner more.

You can even use slurping sounds to your advantage if you are giving head to a dildo in a strap-on harness – since my girlfriend doesn’t feel the same physical sensations from a dildo, a lot of her pleasure comes from the visuals and the sounds I make when giving her a blowjob.

If your partner gives you a bad time about the noises you make while you’re blowing them, then I’m #sorrynotsorry but that person really does not deserve to have your mouth on their penis.


Not the whole time, but every now and then, if you feel like it. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I also like to use moaning as a way to show my partner that I am enjoying it as much as they are. It’s just sexy all around.

You don’t have to deep-throat to be good

I gag pretty damn easily. I have exactly zero desire to deep-throat, so I don’t even try. Kudos to those who do it and love to, but if I can give stellar blowjobs without deep-throating, so can you.

You don’t have swallow to be good

You don’t ever have to swallow if you don’t want to. I’ll swallow my partner’s come on the rare occasion if I feel like it, but generally I hate swallowing (it tends to make me gag). Instead, I personally enjoy feeling my partner ejaculate in my mouth, and then I let their come dribble out and down their shaft and allow it to make a mess everywhere2.

Do whatever you’re comfortable with, and feel confident about it. If your partner tries to make you feel bad about not wanting to swallow, or gets upset if you don’t want them to come in your mouth, they are not a worthy sex partner. Know your limits and stick to them; no matter what they are, you still can be sexy as hell and amazing in bed.

Pay attention to your partner

It seems like a given, but take this one to heart (besides, this applies to any sexual activity). You can read all the tips & tricks in the world, but your partner is not a robot – the best blowjob of their life can’t be attained by administering a pre-programmed routine. Something that works for one person might not work for another person, so make sure to watch and listen to your partner to figure out what they do and don’t like.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask if they like what you’re doing – if I feel like I need to check in with my partner verbally, I’ll pause just to gaze up and ask, “Good?” or “You like that?” If they nod or moan back their approval, I’ll dive right back in.

Bonus tip: Watch your partner whenever they masturbate in front of you – it can give you clues on how best they like their penis handled. Do they stroke their whole shaft, or just toward the head? How fast do they move their hand? How tightly do they grip their penis? Log this info away in your brain and use it to tune your oral techniques to their liking.

Enjoy doing it

You are never obligated to do something sexual that you do not want to do. Not ever.

When you really do enjoy giving blowjobs, however, it shows; your partner can tell, and it is seriously hot. I really do love going down on a penis – it turns me on to give my partner so much pleasure, especially when I know I am good at it. When you love to do it, your enthusiasm will turn on your partner, and you will find it easy to improve your skills and tailor your techniques to those your partner likes best.

Try my suggestions because you want to, and go down on your partner because you like it. If you absolutely despise giving head, don’t sweat it – find other things to do together that you enjoy.

But if you love it? Then I hope my suggestions help you give your partners the most amazing blowjob they’ve ever had in their life.

Pictured in the Penis Anatomy photo is my beloved VixSkin Mustang, a wonderfully squishy, detailed dual-density silicone dildo by Vixen Creations. Get this glorious toy from SheVibe to practice your blowjob skills, or to use on yourself or someone else!

  1. Plain lube works fine if it doesn’t have a weird or bitter taste (Sliquid H2O is perfect) or try flavored lube if you like… I am a fan of Sliquid Swirl Cherry Vanilla – it tastes like marzipan to me []
  2. I’ll admit I have a fetish for seeing and feeling my partner come absolutely everywhere in a giant mess []